Sunday, 4 May 2014

A girls night out: the truth

I would just like to say now that I am too guilty of some of the things I mention in this post and it's all for a bit of fun so try not to be offended by anything that's said.

preparation is key! your body will require hours of primping and attention for a night out, it's time consuming and apparently necessary so be prepared to exfoliate, shave, fake tan and moisturise every inch of your body until you're as smooth as a baby's bottom. we want everyone to think we put that much effort into our bodies all the time.

it's a must that you cake your face is twice as much makeup as you would normally wear on a daily basis, layering on the foundation is an essential part of this process because if you sweat on layer off, who cares? you have another layer on underneath that! oh, and because you want to look damn fabulous in those night club photos with your hand on your hip sticking your ass out so it looks bigger than it really is. more on the topic of photos, let's not forget about the pre-night-out mandatory selfie marathon! we want to show everyone that we look fine when we go out with our duck faces and pouts... but fear not ladies! these photos will be replaced later on with hundreds of photos on your phone of yourself and friends looking sweaty from dancing and your friend squatting over a disgusting club toilet. classy.

pre drinks will involve showing various parts of your body to your other girl friends and comparing underwear yes this really does happen at this point you will decide to make a 100 second long snapchat story of you and your girlfriends singing and drinking because you think that everyone wants to see your ability to sing into a bottle of smirnoff ice. this will result in delaying your lift 15 minutes and inviting them inside whilst you finish off your alcohol and touch up your makeup.

when you finally arrive at your club of choice and pay the extortionate entry free, you head for the dance floor and think you're so hot with all your crazy dance moves. this next image is extremely accurate.

at clubs men seem to turn into sleazebags and decide that touching your backside is appropriate behaviour and will make us swoon over their attempts at flirting. wrong. no mr man in club, I don't want you touching my junk and no your attempts at flirting will not result in me in your bed you hunky peace of sweaty drunkeness.

once you have completely the must-do night out steps: drinking, falling over, selfies, having toilet paper stuck to your shoe, being groped by strangers, selfies, seflies, the possible drama of an ex, crying, seeing that one girl who thinks she's a stripper and the creepy old men checking out the jail bait from the bar, selfies, trying to 'get low' and falling on your ass, someone puking, someone getting lost on their way to the toilets, did I mention selfies? It's time to head home.

heading home is an adventure in itself, as soon as you and your friends have decided 'yes, lets go get a taxi!' one girl pipes up and decides she wants some form of fast food and all plans of going home in a warm taxi fly out the window. now that you're eating your greasy food of choice, you then realise there are no taxi's left and you have two options. ONE: write "lift from *name of place* please? £££" on facebook. TWO: take a long, cold, painful as you're walking in heels walk home.

once you're home you decide that you're too tired to function and fall flat on your face wearing your layers of makeup and fully dressed, those makeup stained pillows will come clean in the wash don't worry!

*repeat next week*

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