Surviving a breakup

I've been toying with the idea of writing this post for quite a while, but it's only recently i've really felt like myself and can honestly say... i'm happy again and I feel like I can talk about this openly. I was in a relationship for 5 years. I met who I assumed was the love of my life when I was 15 and we grew up through our teenage years together and become unbelievably close, we lived together for several years and had everything planned out. That relationship ended in October 2014 and one month later he was seeing someone else...

If I thought the actual breakup caused me enough heartbreak then I was wrong, that topped me over the edge. I couldn't comprehend how someone could move on from a 5 year relationship to another one so quickly? I understand now that certain people walk into your life and make an impact and that's what she did to him, the pull was there and they went along for the ride. Although that didn't make it hurt any less, there's only so much you can take before you essentially snap. One of the toughest parts of my breakup was when I started to wonder what was wrong with me and what our relationship was worth if it was so easy to move on from, was I a bad person? did I do something wrong? self doubt started flooding in...

 For me personally, one of the hardest parts was talking about it and accepting what happened. Although I found that talking to certain people helped the situation... others didn't, two of my closest friends are what got me through the breakup and I can't thank them enough for talking to me countless times when I just needed comforting, the difficult part for me was when colleagues I work with, or people I didn't really speak to started talking to me and sending me messages asking for details and that's when it all became too much. I found having to repeatedly tell the story of what happened to people and having to relive the experience was just making me more upset...

I feel that going through this experience has changed me as a person, I was always told that there's only so many times that you can get hurt before you put a barrier up and become emotionally numb to what's going on and it's completely true as that happened to me. I always thought that i'll never become that person who essentially switches their emotions off but I become so worn down and emotionally drained from the whole situation that I eventually thought fuck it all....

As he was my first 'real' boyfriend this is pretty much the first time I have ever been single, so this has been my first breakup experience, one minute I felt like a strong, independent woman who could do whatever the fuck she wants and then I was blubbering into my pillow watching gossip girl with a pot of ben and jerrys. I've done stupid things like getting horrendously drunk at our work christmas party that she was working and ended up crying and puking to screaming every curse word under the sun at him down the phone another day, not my finest moments. There has been a lot of tears, junk food consumed, a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings, one minute i'll be upset and then the next...

But I can honestly say... it gets better and as cheesy as it sounds, time does help heal. It's been nearly 5 months and I can finally say that I'm happy again. Having this time to myself without thinking about him and being able spend time with myself has taught me that it is possible to come out from a breakup stronger. I don't find myself over thinking and getting upset at 1am anymore, or waking up and wondering what he's up to. One day I woke up and it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted and I felt different in myself. We're still very close friends and that won't change, it's hard to cut someone who has been such a huge part of your life out of it especially when they understand you like no one else ever has before. 

The main points I really wanted to get across in this post is that only YOU can allow yourself to move forward. YOU can say to other people that it's not something that you want to talk about anymore, because it's finished. YOU can do what you want, when you want. Surrounding yourself with the company of positive, honest friends will make a huge difference, as it will help you feel less alone and will fill the void of the person who's no longer there.  Moving on takes time, but you will get there eventually. I have.